All consuming...

I've been a bit lax on the personal blog posts of late...
I've not been able to concentrate on much really, there is something going on, something potentially life changing, something I've been wanting for a long time and it's just consuming my brain...
It involves a lot of waiting, waiting, waiting...
And that's something I'm not really all that good at...
I feel like I'm not in control of the situation and I find that hard to deal with...
Waiting waiting waiting, trying not to think about it make me think about it more...
I'm sending myself crazy and making myself physically sick...
Having to stop myself from making plans about anything that could be effected by it, because if it happens there will be so many plan to make...
But I have to shield myself as well, from possible disappointment, from getting my hopes up, from getting over confident, I've done that before and it was crushing...
And then there's all those other toxic thoughts that seep in too... "what if they didn't get it", "what if they have already picked someone", "what if I'm not good enough", "what if I stuff it all up", "And what if they didn't get it... again"...
I don't like uncertainty...
I can't handle waiting...

I love books about books...

So you can imagine my excitement on finding a book about making books!

Eco Books is full of totally cute crafty projects, among my favourites are ones made from old baggage tags, old floppy discs and cassettes... and of course old library cards!!!

Totally cute... but of course I know deep down inside I will never get around to making any of them!!!

Books Books Books (x3)

I'm about a 3rd of the way through Judith levines Not Buying it, her documentation of a social experiement where her and her husband bought only necessary, simple groceries and essentials (The rules are a little fluid and haircuts and newspapers are allowed). Not as easy as it sounds with such consumer pressure put upon us everyday, and basically, so much crap considered essential in our everyday lives! I love the line about the guy who went to buy a book about de-cluttering and came away with three!

The Not buying it book was kind of in direct contrast with another book I recently read, Susana S.'s Confessions of a city girl. Which takes an insiders look at London's high pressure, money hungry financial markets, no place for a girl... apparently, until Susana came along that is!

In between I read Juliana Hatfields Autobiographical When I grow up. She seems like a really sweet girl with a lot of deamons to air. It's alternating chapters, between documenting the tour she was on with her band at the time Some Girls and detailing past adventures kept the flow moving and stopped the book from getting stale or too bogged down in any one theme. Funny though, while reading this I realise I only actually know two songs that she's done, and one of those was a cover!

You know what...

I could almost be tempted to read a Mills & Boon!

out of me

I've had Out of me sitting beside my bed for way too many library renewals, I'm not sure if I was avoiding reading it as it might be a little too close to home, but I'm so glad I finally picked it up. Fiona Shaw suffered chronic Post-Natal Depression after the birth of her second child, was hospitalised, had ECT, self-harmed, starved herself but what has come out of it is not only a beautifully well written memoir but also an exploration of autobiographical writing itself.



Now I would never deem to compare myself here, and I don't think I suffered anything more than the mildest of 'Baby blues' but as I have talked about here before, I am still coming to terms with the identity shift that having children brings about. Why only yesterday when I had a rare child-free, work-free day I took myself into the city and for a wander in Fitzroy to remember all that I was missing from my former life, and you know what, yep you guessed it, I'm not actually missing all that much! Apart from the friend I met up with who I hadn't seen in ages, I didn't really want to be there anymore. Typical!



Anyway, back to Ms. Shaw's book. There is one quote that really stood out for me to help explain what I've been feeling; "I, too, was frightened of being left alone in the house with my children. Not because of what I might do to them, or them to me, but because then I could not escape from the knowledge that this was my life now, and there was no getting away from it." (Pg. 187) And I think the thing about this book is it was just so well written, I've read so much lately that is just so badly written, or badly edited and full of mistakes (and it must be bad for the worst of spellers and grammatically
incompetent of petople, i.e. me, to pick up on!)

Best things about the Runaways movie...

• The first shot of the movie is of Menstrual Blood.


• The costumes are Hot Hot HOT!


• KS does an ace job of Joan Jett, I was worried I would be sitting there thinking I am watching the chick from Twilight but it didn't cross my mind once!


• Dakota is equally hot and soooo totally the right choice to really hit home how young Cherie Currie was when wearing that Cherry bomb outfit!


• Dakota and Kristian get it on!!!


• They do such a great job of the singing that they could splice in the real Runaways songs when it used as background music without any disjointedness.


• The colouring of the film totally matches the mid 70's.


• The Cinematography is beautiful


• I got to see it for free!!! (3 weeks ago - just slow on the posting!!!)

Cupcakes a Ga Ga...

Two Funny things that came my way yesterday...

This Blog post on NPR (America's National Public Radio's Monkey See) about how library might be the new cupcakes... I like the bit about libraries get in fights, and libraries give you stuff for free!

And mentioned in this article but came my way via a totally different medium is this clip of the Washington Information Studies Students and Faculty going GaGa!

Zine, Zine, you know what I mean...

We've just got a whole bunch of Zines in the library, trying to be all cool and hip and funky and 'engage' with the teenagers and all that! Ahhh its taking me back to the mid-to-late nineties when DIY publishing involved cut-and-paste and a photocopy card.

I always meant to start my own Zine, just like I'd always meant to start a blog way back when...

And I thought I'd start a revolution...

I just never got around to it!

Yay you Zinesters who actually did it!!!

Wanna know what shits me off more than anything else in the world...

People who steal from the library, I mean, you don't need to steal it...

We let you take it for free!!!!

Super dooper mega whatsit plastic shit bonanzer!!!

I read a lot about the sexualisation of young girls, and lucky (hopefully!) I'm still a couple of years away from that one. But whats really bothering me at the moment, though I guess I've always known it to be there is just the blatant consumerism involved with children, it just seems to be getting so much worse, or maybe I'm noticing it more now.

Case in point 1. A friend of mine posted on her facebook profile something about going around 7 different toy stores trying to find this particular doll that her daughter absolutely HAD to have... This horrified me because her daughter is only a couple of months older than Little Miss, but the thing is that Little Miss wouldn't have a clue what dolls were out there and probably couldn't care less anyways... Now either I've got a frickin' child genius on my hands that knows not to get sucked into this consumer crap (well it's a possibility!)But where the hell do these kids that young find out about them...Too much commercial TV? Too many trips to the toy store? Too many parents instead of saying "Oh yeah she's nice" when looking at the ad/toy catalogue/whatever actively encouraging their kid to want want want... and then having to run around to however many frickin' stores trying to find it.

Case in point 2. My local Target store (I'm sure not just MY local target store!) was opening at One past Midnight for their Mega Fabbo Whatsit Super Dooper Toy Sale the other day... And I bet there were many many parents waiting at 30 seconds to One past midnight waiting for the doors to open... I worked in a Toy store for a while a few years back and I have to tell you, kids are fine, its the parents I cant stand!!! And I tell you what, the experience scared me for life! (but I did love the little kids who came in and counted out their money box coins to buy their carefully selected once a whenever treat! Better than the ones who would say 'just put it on your card mum'!!!) Anyways so I got a bit suckered in and thought maybe to be a good parent I should be taking a look and buying it all now so I can put it all away in the cupboard to forget about so as to buy more in December and get tricked into buying twice as much... So I took a look at the however many many MANY page catalogue of everything my 3 year old needs to feel complete in life and I have to tell you it was all CRAP! I mean Frickin' Masterchef have even got on board with their own line of Frickin' plastic pretend kitchen crap now... Whats wrong with making your kids use their imagination and play with the pots and pans already on hand in the REAL kitchen... Little Miss loves to pretend to do the dishes, well honey that don't need no pretend sink coz we've got a real one! Complete with bubbles too courtesy of the dish washing liquid!

Here's a novel idea folks, say 'NO!' When I take Little Miss to the supermarket and she says 'Look mum, Dora' I just say 'oh yeah isn't that nice' or 'It sure is' or whatever and just keep walking. So anyways, this ranting does have a point. (And more than just a smug point about how much of a superior being I am by depriving my kid which will of course bite me on the arse later!) All this consumer crap comes from the parents, not the kids, but your bringing your kids up to buy into it and measure all that plastic shit to your self worth... just say 'No' and give them a stick and a piece of string to play with!!!

Well that will teach me for procrastinating...

So I had this post planned based around an article I had seen that one of my facebook 'friends' had made some comment about and so I have been spending the last 1/2 hour trawling through vague acquittance's frickin' Farmville/Frontierville/ whatthefuckeverville crap trying to remember who had put in on there and how long ago and now I've got myself all mad and ranty about fricken' Farmville/Frontierville/ whatthefuckeverville crap... I mean the amount of fucking time you spend on that shit you could have planted a real veggie garden complete with chooks and everything!!!

Anyways, so I was supposed to be getting all mad and ranty about this article where someone had written in asking what people with little kids actually do all day and why, when they have a full time job etc. still manage to answer phone calls/emails etc. yet their friends with kids who are just home all day never seem so be able too, and is it just an excuse for laziness blah blah blah...

What these type of people don't seem to realise is the sheer amount of emotional energy that is expended with little tackers in your midst... that and that anytime you pick up the phone/turn on your computer they are nagging you to play on it themselves that sometimes its just not worth the effort... Frankly, I don't know where a lot of my day goes, but it ain't no excuse for being lazy that's for sure. The amount of people who have had kids since Ive had mine who have then apologised to me saying they never realised how hard it was and if they'd have known they would have brought over more casseroles!!! And that's the thing, you never do know until you experience it, no matter how many times people might tell you...

And then you go and think it will be easier the second time around because you've already done it once... Yeah fucking right!

blah blah blah...

So much of my relationship with the boy has been me fighting against it and then me having to eat my words...

First off I thought I was this super independent "don't give me any of that 'when can you fit me into your busy schedule' crap." Then I went off overseas for four months a year into our relationship, and then we moved in together and I was all insistent that everything be split 50/50 even though I was studying that year and had a lot less money coming in and managed to get myself into some major credit card debt over my stupid pigheadedness and then I got pregnant and had a baby which totally shifted all dynamics from which I only now feel like I'm getting a balance on again... What is it about little people coming into your life that make those gender stereotypes you've spent your whole life fighting against come out so strong and your at such a vulnerable point that you let other take advantage of that! And now I'm feeling all depressed that I just found out an ex proposed to his girlfriend and the boy will probably never propose to me because I've said too many times that I don't want to get married and what would I want to go and do a stupid thing like that for and marriage is an institution and I don't want to be institutionalised and blah blah blah... I don't even know If I believe in it or think it should really matter... I guess I'm just feeling a little insecure, which of course if you had've asked me back then would be the only reason anyone would want to get married, but there is this little part of me that would sort of like to have the same last name as my kids, even though I've always said if I got married I wouldn't be changing my name and blah blah blah... Or maybe I'm just getting soft in my old age!

Stupid ex-boyfriends... lucky your the one I got over my hatred of long ago or I would have been really pissed off!

Congratulations by the way!

Future Radio...

The ABC radio book show had an article on Future of Libraries and Librarians the other day... Lots of talk of Stereotypical Librarians!

Big Fat Bitch...

Some favourite paragraphs in The Big Fat Bitch Book for grown-up girls, Kate Figes study of the art Bitching...

"Women can be deeply supportive of one another: but they can also kill each other with words. We understand exactly where the weaknesses of other women lie because all too often we feel weak in those areas ourselves."

(a study found that) "Up to two-thirds of the conversation of both sexes is gossip, with the only real difference being that men like to talk about themselves."

"Girls are expected to be kinder, less aggressive, and more supportive of each other. So girls learn to suppress their crueler tendencies and then let them out in even more lethal ways"

"You get much closer to a person when you share a mutual dislike for another person than you do over someone you both like"

"Some evolutionary biologists believe that the roots of bitching lie, in part, embedded deep within out gender and the reproductive imperative, for bitching is a low risk form of veiled aggression. Teenage girls tend to bitch most about aspects of appearance, sex and sexuality because they matter in the competitive mating game... Research shows that aggression between women becomes more direct and physical as resources get scarcer..."

"Women get just as angry as men and have a great deal more to get angry about but their not supposed to show it. Male aggression is still considered 'natural' and valorised while aggression in women can be considered unnatural, irrational, hormonal and evidence of mental instability."

And Ive only just finished the introduction!

Julie, Julia... and Ravinder!

A movie about food and blogging... how could I resist!

Last time the boy went away I tucked myself up on the couch with Julie & Julia, Oh such a cute film, it made me feel both warm and fuzzy, but also all depressed! It totally contributed to my existential crisis, which seems to be my permanent state of being these days! But hey, that's kind of what the film (and book, I'll get to that shortly!) was all about!

It made me feel that there is no focus or theme to this blog, its just all over the place, random thoughts... but that's me, I've always got a million things going on and cant seem to keep the focus to just one! I try to write about the books that I read, but I only get about 1/2 of them down on... screen! Anyways, Totally watch the film... and here's a little Gem I found on You Tube for you, its called Julia Child Vs Meryl Streep;





So watching the film inspired me to read the book by Julie Powell, It's good but I was a little disappointed, like many Blogs turned book it was a little all over the place, (either try to keep true to the blog or give the whole story an overhaul!) E.G. she was talking at leangth about a certian food (see I've gone and forgotten what it was now... makes my arguments seem VERY well reserched and thought out!) It could have been the Lobster, or maybe the Eggs, I just can't remember! Anyways, then a couple of chapters later she's back to the same food, and it kind of made it all feel a bit disjointed to me. But I don't want to critisise her too much coz I really liked her, I thought she was really sweet and I related to the many hissy fits and meltdowns she endured!!!

So this is one of those cases where I am going to say that I enjoyed the film more than the book (and there are many of these cases out there, no matter what people say! Particuly when it comes to Mr. Steven King... but that's for another post!) But I do often think judgment is clouded by whether you watched the film or read the book first.

Speaking of cooking books, I think I have found my favourite ever! It's called Cook in Boots by Ravinder Bhogal. Not just because she's got a great first name and shes HOT! With chapters titles along the lines of; PMT, Rude food, I heart carbs and Frugal food for when you've spent all your money on shoes, how could I not love it, and I've made two things from it and they were totally yummy and easy to make with no fiddly crap or pretentiousness of many of the cooking books I bring home from the library. (Oh and hey, my birthdays coming up soon, this one and the Cooks Companion and I reckon I'd be set!)





And then there's the one I started last night... We're trying to save a little money at the moment and the library got a new one called Family feasts for under $75 a week. Trouble is it's very American, and I don't mean any offence to my American friends here, but I am going to get all stereotypical on your arse! (that's ass in American!). It's all Hamburgers and Frozen burritos and Pork Chops and Pizza and creamer in your Coffee... It's such a basic book trying to educate about basic Fruit and Vegetables and it's all just such obvious stuff that It's getting me angry and making me feel very superior and snobby all at once!



So the money saving tips that have stood out for me so far are;

Try to drink half as much Cola... OK, done that without moving a muscle (ever tried drinking water!!??)

Try to buy two less packets of chips a month... Yep done that one too (I wouldn't exactly call them an essential item!)

and this one was the clincher;

Use cloth instead of paper dish towels... what? You guys dry your dishes with paper? Man, I'm saving money already and I haven't even changed any of my habits!

Australia has it's first female prime minister!!!!

protection...

Every good librarian knows that books are a precious commodity, and therefor should be treated with the up most respect (except for maybe those pesky Mills & Boons, the bane of a book lovers life!).

It was my friend JA who introduced me to the idea of the book-bag, kind of like a condom for your books when on the go (And one of my rules in life is that you must carry a book with you everywhere you go, because I always get stuck waiting for people!) So I recently knitted myself one;

Its easy, you just knit until your up to the desired width... then keep on knitting till you get to the desired length, then sew up the sides!

I was trying out knitting purple and pink wools at once just to see what would happen, then I felted it because I love felting, and whala! a book bag!

And speaking of Care of books, I've been working in the stacks lately and came across this Gem circa 60's Williamstown. Not such a bad idea to have a little reminder in all of our books the state they sometimes come back in, but the "Notice shall be given to the librarian... if books have been exposed to infection" bit is a bit of a worry!

Hello cruel world...

The thing I cant stand about self help books is that they are usually so fucking hard to read... I mean your picking the thing up because there's something not quite right going on in there, then they are usually so pretentious and full of big words, and just well, overwhelming to read!

My friend JA has told me a few times what an important book she thinks this one is (and I figure on such matters she should know!) and trawling though the introduction, which I'm sorry but really does go on a bit and is kind of a bit all over the place, and at times even a little melodramatic (You don't need to be on the edge of suicide to pick up this book, maybe more 'a little bit down' or a case of the 'mean reds' might be more of an appropriate time to read it!). I was beginning to think this was just another one of those afore mentioned pretentious reads, but then I got to this paragraph;

And what about anger? I think Anger is a whole lot more positive a feeling than depression. I feel a lot healthier when I'm angry than when I'm paralyzed in a deep funk. Other people around me might prefer it when I'm not flying off the handle, but most folks who know me now appreciate that my anger is a step up my own personal ladder to feeling better.

Wow, that really blew me away after the way I had been feeling lately! (not to mention my ranting blog posts!)

The Intro might be a bit of a hard slog, but you don't really need to stress about it too much, the 101 alternatives are kind of cute and endearing (mind you I'm only up to #20, They might get a lot more hot and heavy from here on in!), and some of them might seem deceptively simple but when your in that deep funk it can the little things that get you through. It's kind of like giving yourself permission to be kind to yourself and do what YOU need to do for YOU!

And the good thing about this book in comparison to those other heavy reading self help books is that I reckon in the middle of that deep funk you could just pick up this book and look at 2 or 3 of the "alternatives" and find yourself something that might just make that tiny little difference at that time in your life.

Just one little thing, this book is kind of aimed at Teens (Freaks and other outlaws!) but I'm pretty sure I would have found a lot of it pretty overwhelming at that time in my life, especially a lot of the sexual stuff, not the stuff about Kate herself (I say 'her' only because it says 'her' in the biographical info about her, she describes 'herself' as fluidly sexual, transgressivly sexual or a 'Traveler') But the stuff in part one about desire. But that might be just me! and mind you, its 15-20 years ago that I was a teenager (Scary huh!?)

The other book that made me really happy lately was reading Neon Angel by Cherrie Currie of the Runaways. (When is the film going to be released in Australia!!??) Funny that it made me feel happy, it's actually quite depressing all the bad shit that happened to her, makes me just want to give her, and all the Runaways a big hug and say I'm sorry you were treated like such crap! They were some totally hot chicks, totally exploited but totally Hot!

Cant stay at home cant stay... at work?

Sorry, been listening to a bit of The Runaways lately!

It's tough being a working mum, but I cant handle being a stay at home mum either! I'm doing a temp role at 3 full days a week, it's way too much what with traffic to contend with not to mention two sick kids! How the hell do others do it full time? And you cant win no matter what you do either. I guess all you can do is the best you can for yourself and your family hey! And be careful not to judge others for the choices (and sometimes lack of choices!) they make!

P.S. Feeling a lot better, think a couple of drinks and a lot of laughs last night might have done me the world of good!