New New Beginnings... Again

Tomorrow I start a new job that feels oh so right, unlike where I have been working lately which has felt oh so wrong. I learned a long time ago to listen to my gut instinct and this rule has served me well so far... let’s hope it continues.

I think in the process I may have upset a very powerful person. A person I have only met once and who scared the shit out of me! Now I am not easily intimidated so this tells you something!!

But this is someone who has known of my existence for at least 18 months and so far has given me so little time of day yet and is now upset about me leaving after only a few weeks (even though she could offer me no more than a few hours a week) And now others, who have only known of my existence for a few weeks, are prepared to offer me so much more. Feels good and not a hard choice I can tell you!

And a nice little stick it up ya as well!

Full Circle...

So it seems life may have come full circle.

Oh yeah and sorry about the absence, I've been busy trying to get my hormones to behave, sleep and getting myself stressed out about unimportant things such as family, home and work... You know how it is!

Anyways, where was I? Oh Yeah, the circle...

So I went to uni first time round, and I've written about this before, mostly out of fear and expectation. It was the early to mid nineties, the recession we had to have, the "If you don't go to uni you'll never get a job"/"if you take some time off between uni you'll never go back" era. I went to the uni I went to because I got in there in a last minute scramble for student numbers and I stayed because I was there and I always felt like I was missing out on something or that somehow I just wasn't sure why I was where I was. Anyways, I'm rambling...

It was a country uni close to where I grew up and basically I really just wanted to get to the city.

But yesterday I was offered a job at the library of said country/first uni. And I'm pretty goddamn excited about it for many reasons.

The 1st being that some of my life "choices" are starting to make sense to me.

The 2nd because I can tell another workplace to shove it, well sort of, I want to stay on good terms but given that I'd been trying to get in there for about 2 years and all they are prepared to offer me is band 3 casual and well, um, stick it up ya!

3rd, this is yet another fated kind of "perfect timing" situation that I have found myself in many times in my life. sorry to get all spiritual and airy fairy on you, but this is not the first time that my forthright nature, as well as said good timing have got me somewhere!

I'm not sure how its going to go, I've never worked in an academic library and I might hate it, they might not want to keep me on, but right now it feels like things are falling into place and my life is actually starting to make sense to me... its only taken 36 years!

This weeks reading...

Happy National Year of Reading!

Sorry it's a day late, but I started the year off grumpy... (but reading!!)



This weeks reading...

Batty but Wishful...

I just finished Wishful Drinking by one Ms Carrie Fisher, yes she of the Star Wars fame (come on... arn't you all over that by now??? but unfortunately no mention of her other great works e.g. The Blues Brothers, Charlies Angles, Jay and Silent Bob strike back and who could forget her best ever film Drop Dead Fred!!!

I don't know, I just loved her free flowing un pretentious totally honest ranty style of writing,and it also helps that she's completely batty...

I liked it so much I've used my last precious reserve (only 15... bah!) on her follow up Shockaholic.

Guess that makes him 43 3/4

Found out this week that I just missed the 30th Anniversary of my favorite ever literary character one Mr. Adrian Mole...

Satans Claws...

I don't know how many times as a parent I have had to eat my pre-procreation-smug-filled words, but here we go again...

Anyone who knows me would have heard my Santa Rants... I mean, the guy is creepy "come sit on my lap little girl and tell me what you want", "It's lying to your'e children" "He makes the poor kids think they've been bad" blah blah blah...

So how come Christmas eve I find myself not only eating my words but half a carrot at the front door and scoffing down the milk and cookies left out for the fat man (well I should get SOMETHING out of it) and getting all swept away with it the next morning? and how can my heart not melt when Little Miss tells me that of her whole Christmas/Birthday three day extravaganza getting up to see that Santa had been and "I didn't even hear him..."

I love being a cynical bitch, but I forgot how much innocence can be too!

Alli just can't get her groove back...

Here's my list of new years resolutions from 12 months ago...

1. Meh

2.Yes - Yay!

3. Hmmm... well I did join a team sport so that does look good on paper (screen!)

4. Check

5. feelers are out there... more news to follow!

6. well that's kind of why I'm here, you see i've no excuse really... just can't seem to get my groove back!

Other achievements from the year include...

• Actually putting myself out there to start Roller Derby Training - Yay me!
• Producing my first (and second) Zine - Third is up there in the brain... ditto as above - just can't seem to get my groove back.
• Survived probably the most intense job of my life working full time in a highly demanding role with two small children... just one minor hiccup/meltdown!!
• I'm sure there's more... and once I do get said groove back I'm sure it will come to me!

New Favorite Librarian

I've been meaning to upload this for ages, turns out one of my favorite VRDL Roller Derby stars is also a librarian!!! WooHoo... now if only I could find out what school Lucky day 24/7 works at and I'd know where to send Little Miss next year!!!

Tattoo me!

Catching up on some important reading, I came across this article in my 5th favorite magazine (Frankie) about my favorite tattoo artist Miss Jane... hmmm me thinks its a sign I might need to call and make an appointment!!

Don't drink and blog...

Howdy folks, Long time no see...

So here's the update... finished the full-time 'I'm the Boss and a superwoman and I can do it all' job that nearly killed me and caused one major meltdown (as well as a few minor ones) but I got through it and almost cried when I finished and one dashing (not so) young man hugged me and told me I was the best boss he ever had! It wasn't the full time that did it, it was the role itself and I am not ashamed to admit it, it was too much for me! So confirmed when the person who's role it actually is said to me "you know I was actually quite surprised when you applied for it given that I know how much of my work/life balance is made up of work (do I need to point out here that this person DOES NOT have 2 small children??) But I made it through even though it was touch and go there at one stage (see above: meltdown) but hey... three days of not being able to get out of bed and a rather convenient excuse with a flu already going around work and no-one was the wiser!

So here's what I learned from the experience...

-G has had some really crappy bosses in his time if I am the best he's ever had!

-I CAN work at that kind of level but I do not WANT to work at that level!

- I've had too much to drink tonight to think of anymore

Here's what happened next...

I went from being a Full-Time working mum to a Full-Time single mum which is making me question which are the more immature to deal with?

Seriously.

Anyways, for the past two years it has been talked about, and even when I follow through with someone else's idea I am still the bad guy! I decided that something needed to happen so I just made it happen so here I am. And in the words of the great Barbra Feldon (that's 99 folks), Living alone (all be it with two small children) and loving it! I've moved back to the Ol' home town in order for Little Miss to start school here next year. Everything's gone and turned upside down and not everyone is coming along for the ride but I am at the point where I really couldn't give a shit, I am looking after myself and my kiddies and if anyone else wants a part of that, well they better get proving it quick smart!! For the past, well I guess 6 1/2 years since I moved out maybe, I've missed that feeling I had when I lived on my own for the only time in my life in the funkiest little apartment in Nth Carlton that was ALL mine, well guess what folks, I am back in control and it feels soooooo good. The going back to full-time mum bit I will admit it VERY tough, but I'm getting through and biding my time until I get the balance back, it's all good... as is Wild Turkey Honey Liquor... nighty night!

A review from a long time ago... thanks! issue #3 sometime soon...

2.5 weeks...

I miss my blog... I found myself a little huffy the other day while planning Webolution 3 and the words "I don't think anyone is interested in blogs anymore" were uttered. Maybe not, but I'll hang on by the skin of my teeth just in case!

This last 6 months has been ridiculous in my life, I naively took on a job that, although not beyond my capabilities, was definatly way more stress than my life needs. I haven't had this many sleepless nights since the bookshop that shall not be named days. But then again at least I'm being paid a decent wage to handle the stress this time.

The temp role finished in 2.5 weeks (and counting), and look, it has been a very useful experience and I've learned a lot. Most significantly that;

a) although I can work at this level, I don't want to work at this level. and;

b) I'm too nice for this job! which has increased the stress levels big time by my not being able to just say "you're out of line" or "that's just not good enough" or "just get your shit together honey!"

I had bigger plans for my time in this role, and I thought I would be able to prove to myself that I was a stronger person than people saw me as, and that I wouldn't let people walk all over me. But then hey, If your dealing with a staff of over 80 and it's only 4 who are driving you crazy then maybe that's a pretty good ratio!

I still feel a little disappointed that It wasn't the experience i'd hoped for, but I'm sure I will be able to look back and say how great it was once I am able to step away from it all. I do like having my own office though!

So anyways, 2.5 weeks and I get to feel like me again. There will be some big changes afoot. and maybe a little bit of getting back to whats important in my life (like actually getting around to writing on my daggy old out of date blog!)

Break in transmission...

I finally give myself the space- both physically and mentally, to write, and I seem to have given myself the old 'block'. You see I don't want this to turn into a big winge fest about poor me... But that's the majority of my emotional state at the moment. The world, along with everybody in it, seems to be driving me crazy (and I'm not even pre-menstral!) There are lights at the end of my tunnel so to speak, but even those are going to mean a compromise of my principles as well as my pride. But I must stay focused, I need to keep my eye on that long term prize, do whats best for me and my family and get over the fact that I might have to let a few people down in that process. I feel there's been a bit of a break in transmission from feeling myself, time to get that back I think!

OK OK lets get on with it and focus on a few positives;

Bought myself some shiny new Red Roller Skates so I guess that means I'm pretty serious about running away with the Derby... that and I got a decent tax return which I need to get my fair share out of before the boy spends it all! I am beating myself up about not doing it sooner, but hey, better late and all that. Made some new friends already including a skunk haired* Drag King who likes to talk about her kidney transplant!

I am also getting myself back into reading at least a book a week, even if it does mean getting up at 6.30 am to fit it in! Last two books I read were pretty good; Norah Vincent's Self Made Man and Thirty something and the clock is ticking by Kasey Edwards which I would consider the most sensible book on motherhood I have ever read!

I also managed to escape for three fabulous hours all on my lonesome today... Imagine it... ALL alone! I even treated myself to a cheeky afternoon glass of wine... ohhh naughty!

Who knows... with all this getting back to me stuff going on, I might even manage to get out Realia #3 sometime in the near to medium future!

*hopefully my new drag king friend has seen Ladies and Gentlemen the fabulous Stains and therefore understands this is most definatly a majorly positive thing!

Thing haven't been great of late. I'm working in a role which is way above my comfort zone. Its a good role and I thought I was ready for it, and i probably am if that is all I had to consider... but of course there is so much more to my life and things never run to plan... I mean who could have predicted the number of resignations we've had in the last few months, and how much extra pressure that puts on me, both because of the job I'm in and the kind of person I am. Ive been laying awake at night thinking about all the things i think i need to be doing... what i need to be doing is looking after myself and my kids... i miss them!!! I can't remember when I had this much stress job-wise going on, I've been pretty lucky in that respect for the past couple of years. All I can say is it is one hell of a learning experience!

exhilarated!!

Tonight I went to my first "fresh meat" training with the Westside derby dolls! I've been umming and ahhing about it for so long wondering if I might have what it would take and guess what... I might! I did pretty good and had a blast! Mind you I was just training and learning a few moves, no scrimmaging for me... but still, I feel amazing! Maybe not so amazing tomorrow, but amazing none the less! I haven't done any serious skating in ages, but I can still skate pretty good, my fitness isn't nearly as bad as I expected, and I eve had a couple of, hey your pretty fast comments come my way! (Tis also amazing how much easier it is to skate in skates that actually fit, not 20 year old ones too sizes too small so guess what I'm doing with my tax return money this year!!)

So guess where I'm heading next Wednesday night then!...

But then there's always got to be a bottom to every high... I have a partner who is totally unsupportive and "thinks it's a stupid idea". For fucks sake, I feel like I'm living with someone who doesn't know me... How can I share my life with someone when I feel like they have no idea who I am? How can that be the recipe for a happy life? It seems the more cool stuff I do and the more I feel back to the old (pre-kids) me, the more depressed I feel about the whole situation... I just don't know how much more I can give?

OK this is now getting all a bit too down and heavy... Back to the derby... this weeks adventure; head down to Rebel sport for my own pads, helmet a and mouthguard...

And yes I have picked out my derby name and no I'm not telling until I register it so in the meantime, enjoy this link to some other library related derby names

Amy Amy Amy...

Goodbye Beautiful, Unconventional, Misunderstood Soul Diva.

I hate to say it because I think your wonderful but you've made the best career move you ever could have. You'll now have the place in legend and history your music deserves...

To the latest member of the 27 club. (Sorry I'm a week late!)

Wet...

I loved this book, I could not put it down, but I'm apprehensive to recommend this book to anyone at the library lest I'm accused of sexual harassment! Or of being a bit pervy, but well... It was great! The "makes the vagina monologues look tame" quote on the front kind of sums up what you can expect... head in if you dare!!!

Radar...

Here's a few things that have been showing up on my (very tired) radar of late!

Earlier this year JA and I took an adventure to an Australian 70's musical legends house under the guise of picking up a DVD for the Sharpies night at the library... Somehow JA managed to steer the conversation, as she steer's all conversations, to the subject of Joan Jett... Said music legend had some stories to tell including one about this band whose lead singer was murdered and Joan Jett got involved with the rest of the band to raise money to hire a private investigator etc. We had never heard this story and were fascinated... here's a movie we've found since...

One of my most recent reads was Portia De Rossi's Unbearable Lightness. If I had to use one word it would be "Intense"! She's certianly not afraid to bear all about her struggles with eating disorders and I've found a new respect for her. Not that I didn't before, to be honest I didnt really feel anything much for her efore other than a, 'oh look, she's on the telly and she grew up in Geelong, thats pretty good' kind of thing...



But I Reading the book made me dig a little deeper and you know what, I think she's pretty great now. I also love that she's out and a whole new role model for gay women who really doesnt fit into the stereotype of what a lesbian should look like, dress like, or be.

So anyway all this looking lead me to Ellen of course and I realised I'd never actually seen the famed "coming out" episode of her sitcom... Here's the last part of it...

And yes it is very cheezy in bits, but also some genius moments too... Oprah as the theripist (apparently she got HEAPS of hate mail!), kd lang as the folk singer/waitress ("Good for you, I'm your waitress") and Melissa Ethridge and the toaster oven! Love it!!

I'd seen the Maysles documentary of Grey Gardens a few years ago and became a little fascinated with the story. I finally got to see the tellemovie biopic of it made last year with Drew Barrymore (who I love!). I was a little sceptical about it but I think they did a brilliant job. Drew nailed the voice and the ageing make up was done amazingly!

I've out this clip on which was an extra on the DVD, it shows some of the scenes from the original and the recreations... Enjoy!

And here's a book I've been meaning to write about for ages... The girl in the song a look at 50 classic pop songs and the muses behind them... and it's got Marianne on the cover!

You know I love a good prossie book, and although the Belle De Jour books might not be the best ones, well I love the TV show as a bit of light trash so of course was very happy to find this interview with Miss Billie and the 'Real' Belle De Jour, outed in the last few years...

This one was a little bit of a disappointment, I expected it to be juicier, but still some interesting stories...

And Last but not least... I have to mention Go the f*ck to sleep!

Here's former Play School host Noni reading it... enjoy!