All consuming...

I've been a bit lax on the personal blog posts of late...
I've not been able to concentrate on much really, there is something going on, something potentially life changing, something I've been wanting for a long time and it's just consuming my brain...
It involves a lot of waiting, waiting, waiting...
And that's something I'm not really all that good at...
I feel like I'm not in control of the situation and I find that hard to deal with...
Waiting waiting waiting, trying not to think about it make me think about it more...
I'm sending myself crazy and making myself physically sick...
Having to stop myself from making plans about anything that could be effected by it, because if it happens there will be so many plan to make...
But I have to shield myself as well, from possible disappointment, from getting my hopes up, from getting over confident, I've done that before and it was crushing...
And then there's all those other toxic thoughts that seep in too... "what if they didn't get it", "what if they have already picked someone", "what if I'm not good enough", "what if I stuff it all up", "And what if they didn't get it... again"...
I don't like uncertainty...
I can't handle waiting...