Break in transmission...

I finally give myself the space- both physically and mentally, to write, and I seem to have given myself the old 'block'. You see I don't want this to turn into a big winge fest about poor me... But that's the majority of my emotional state at the moment. The world, along with everybody in it, seems to be driving me crazy (and I'm not even pre-menstral!) There are lights at the end of my tunnel so to speak, but even those are going to mean a compromise of my principles as well as my pride. But I must stay focused, I need to keep my eye on that long term prize, do whats best for me and my family and get over the fact that I might have to let a few people down in that process. I feel there's been a bit of a break in transmission from feeling myself, time to get that back I think!

OK OK lets get on with it and focus on a few positives;

Bought myself some shiny new Red Roller Skates so I guess that means I'm pretty serious about running away with the Derby... that and I got a decent tax return which I need to get my fair share out of before the boy spends it all! I am beating myself up about not doing it sooner, but hey, better late and all that. Made some new friends already including a skunk haired* Drag King who likes to talk about her kidney transplant!

I am also getting myself back into reading at least a book a week, even if it does mean getting up at 6.30 am to fit it in! Last two books I read were pretty good; Norah Vincent's Self Made Man and Thirty something and the clock is ticking by Kasey Edwards which I would consider the most sensible book on motherhood I have ever read!

I also managed to escape for three fabulous hours all on my lonesome today... Imagine it... ALL alone! I even treated myself to a cheeky afternoon glass of wine... ohhh naughty!

Who knows... with all this getting back to me stuff going on, I might even manage to get out Realia #3 sometime in the near to medium future!

*hopefully my new drag king friend has seen Ladies and Gentlemen the fabulous Stains and therefore understands this is most definatly a majorly positive thing!

Thing haven't been great of late. I'm working in a role which is way above my comfort zone. Its a good role and I thought I was ready for it, and i probably am if that is all I had to consider... but of course there is so much more to my life and things never run to plan... I mean who could have predicted the number of resignations we've had in the last few months, and how much extra pressure that puts on me, both because of the job I'm in and the kind of person I am. Ive been laying awake at night thinking about all the things i think i need to be doing... what i need to be doing is looking after myself and my kids... i miss them!!! I can't remember when I had this much stress job-wise going on, I've been pretty lucky in that respect for the past couple of years. All I can say is it is one hell of a learning experience!

exhilarated!!

Tonight I went to my first "fresh meat" training with the Westside derby dolls! I've been umming and ahhing about it for so long wondering if I might have what it would take and guess what... I might! I did pretty good and had a blast! Mind you I was just training and learning a few moves, no scrimmaging for me... but still, I feel amazing! Maybe not so amazing tomorrow, but amazing none the less! I haven't done any serious skating in ages, but I can still skate pretty good, my fitness isn't nearly as bad as I expected, and I eve had a couple of, hey your pretty fast comments come my way! (Tis also amazing how much easier it is to skate in skates that actually fit, not 20 year old ones too sizes too small so guess what I'm doing with my tax return money this year!!)

So guess where I'm heading next Wednesday night then!...

But then there's always got to be a bottom to every high... I have a partner who is totally unsupportive and "thinks it's a stupid idea". For fucks sake, I feel like I'm living with someone who doesn't know me... How can I share my life with someone when I feel like they have no idea who I am? How can that be the recipe for a happy life? It seems the more cool stuff I do and the more I feel back to the old (pre-kids) me, the more depressed I feel about the whole situation... I just don't know how much more I can give?

OK this is now getting all a bit too down and heavy... Back to the derby... this weeks adventure; head down to Rebel sport for my own pads, helmet a and mouthguard...

And yes I have picked out my derby name and no I'm not telling until I register it so in the meantime, enjoy this link to some other library related derby names