Recent reads...

A book has to be pretty bad for me to not finish it, or really long and I put it down thinking I will get back to it but it sits there for a year or I write down the page number and take it back to the library and then lose the bit of paper and never re-borrow the book...

Bill Bryson's At Home is probably going to join that category. I don't want to, it's not a bad book. And I generally enjoy his writing. The thing is it's kind of interesting but very, very long. It's about the finer history of everyday mundane things, and quite frankly there is a reason things are mundane... um, because they are! And besides, I don't see what the history of mice and other vermin has to do with the study and and the history of architecture to do with cellars and I think he's clutching at straws at times... Think I'm gonna have to give it up.

I've already read one book in between, Russell Brand's My Booky Wook. It's kind of funny, and very repulsive and I really just feel very sorry for him and hope that he has managed to stay sober and drug free since because he was was not an appealing person when on them (he's that appealing now either!). Not that I've actually seen much of his "work", more just know him by reputation and coz he's engaged to a perky songstress (me thinks publicity stunt for the both of them, but, whatever!). There are a lot of uncomfortable moments in the book, events that were obviously quite scarring but he glosses over with humour which I found quite sad. And besides, its not all that well written either.

After another chapter and a half of At Home I started Eat, Pray, Love. (It's not looking good for Mr. Bryson is it!) I want to avoid overly popular books, especially ones that appeal to women of a certain age, but the fact is there usually a reason why they are so popular and I want to stay in front of the film for once so I can be all superior and say"well it wasn't as good as the book..." Ive only go a few pages in but I like it, I like her casual style of writing and I also love it when women can admit that they just don't want to have children because its such a high expectation of society, even these days of apparent endless choices for women it's still a hard thing for a lot of women to admit, and is often viewed with either suspicion or sympathy... believe me ladies, this is not something you want to do half heartedly just coz someone thinks you should... and I would love the freedom to be travelling through Italy, India and Bali right now... Bugger, I just get to do it in my head and think about all the things I'm missing out on!

One last thing...

OK so this is the last thing I will say on the matter as I have moved on and gotten over the disappointment... The disappointment about the job and the process involved that is, not the existential crisis the whole thing uncovered!!!)

I mean no disrespect, and I hope that I shall soon meet said woman and maybe even work with her and maybe even become her friend who knows. But I finally understand something about the whole generational divides in the workplace. I believe I might be first hand experiencing contentious issue of the Baby Boomers hanging around forever, not moving on, taking jobs that the good old generation Xer's are just not getting the chance to move into (until we're too old and the gen Y's just get them all handed to them like everything else apparently!).

As I was formulating these opinions in my, somewhat foggy brain of late, there was an article in one of the recent Incite magazines talking about the Baby Boomers and oh my god what are we going to do when they are all gone, blah blah blah. The article was talking about having to attract youngin's to the profession and starting at high school... hello, there are plenty of us young and no-longer-so-young (like me) people here already but it just feels like we are still not trusted!!! I mean I'm 35 years old not and feel like people still don't take me seriously!

My friend C reckons its more to do with the people getting the good, top jobs all being very VERY childless, and maybe that's got something to do with it too. And maybe that's a subconscious Baby Boomer woman trait too, even 30 years ago you either had kids or you didn't, and those women now are either still not sure we can combine the two as they either have no experience of it and are distrustful or bitter that they didn't get to start their careers until middle age and are going to hang onto it for dear life!!!

So anyways I'd like to remind you that the above opinions are totally off the cuff, un-researched, written out of bitterness and in the spirit of general ranting and likely to change tomorrow anyway!!!

Us poor gen Xers can be a bit of a negative lot! We've had a lot to deal with don't you know! We were the first generation brought up expected to live in a world better and have circumstances NOT than their parents grew up with. I also remember when I was at school in the time of the early 90's economic crisis. A time when trades and ACTUAL skills were deemed unimportant and "if you don't go to university you will never get a job" and "if you take a year off you will never go back to uni" and all that crap when probably the best thing I could ever have done would be to take a year off and work some crappy job that I ended up doing after uni anyway because I'd done some useless degree and just felt guilty about the amount of money it cost my parents when If I'd taken a year off I probably would have been able to get Austudy and anyway it wasn't until 10 years later that I figured out what I wanted to do anyways...

Alright so now I'm babbleing and getting all bitter and twisted and stuff so i'll be off! (but it is good to be blogging again!)

This blog aint goin' nowhere...

Seems like this blog, which was supposed to be a bit of fun, has turned into a confessional of sorts... Not really what the intention was. I really wanted to it be a bit of a scrapbook, a few funny stories from the past, fun things I'd read and seen, things on my mind, that type of thing. I wanted it to show a little bit of who I am and how I got here.

Thing is I don't know who that person is now, and I'm not sure where I'm going and I can't seem to let go of the person I thought I should have been 10, 15 even 20 years ago, I cant seem to accept that I've changed and things change and that's OK!

Hang on a minute, I'm doing it again, I'm getting all down and dreary...

Think I may have to take a break for a bit and get my head together and come back to this when I've got some head space and some idea of what I'm doing... sorry folks, back soon!

I'm OK folks...

I've had a few concerned readers of late... Folks, I am really OK!

I've been feeling down, and crazy, and upset, and rejected, and a bit sensitive and vulnerable but OK.

It's just that my head has been so full of fuzz for about the last 6 weeks or so and its only when I'm either really down or really happy I seem to write. I'm having a bit of an existential, whats it all mean, where do I fit in and what should I do crisis at the moment. I know where I want to end up, but there is a lot of work to be done to get there and as you well know plan A was foiled. I have faith in the universe that it will happen eventually, and it will happen when its meant to but unfortunately I am very impatient and always chasing the next thing without concentrating on the here and now.

Plan B...

OK, seems its time to make a plan B...

I had figured out it was coming, the rejection letter that is, but no news being good news allowed me to keep that faint glimmer alive just that little bit. But it came yesterday. And it hurt.

I know it was wrong to pin my hopes on one thing, and to get myself so excited by something so out of my control. The realists in my life kept reminding me of that. And I tried so hard to not think about. And I guess the mental state that this situation got me into is maybe indication that it this job wouldn't have been a good idea. It would probably have been too much pressure. If the application process proved too much for my sometimes fragile emotional state to cope with what would the actual job do to me once I got in there and realised my expectations and reality were not on the same wavelength. I just really thought I was in with a chance there is all. The fact that I am qualified, experienced, full of ideas and have a solid connection to the area. I really thought I had everything they would be looking for.

But to not even get an interview is a pretty big slap in the face if you ask me!

And of course I had told everyone about it too!

I know that it cant have been anything personal if they haven't even met me! But that doesn't help me to not feel even a little bit rejected.

Fact is that work is about the only thing I am feeling any kind of confidence with at the moment. Its only place I feel like I am in control and I know what I'm doing.

I am feeling a little de ja vu here, same thing happened about 7 years ago. A company I'd already worked for, same role that I'd held overseas for said company, figured it was a given, but hey, at least I didn't have to wait four weeks with that one, I got the letter the day after the interview! It sure knocked my confidence for six, but then in the proceeding weeks I got 4 job offers out of 5 interviewed for, and ended up with a job so much better for me.

So I'm OK and at least I know where I stand now, it was the waiting I couldn't handle.

And if my past is any indication, something will come up soon and within 3-6 months I will have already moved a few rungs up the ladder!

To move my family back to the country and a more communal upbringing is what I so desperately want to do right now and I thought this was going to be it, so plan B awaits... stay tuned!

Bored...

I have no shame in saying I am frickin' bored with my life...

As I spoon another mouthful into my child's mouth, I contemplate the tedium and isolation of the parent with young children... You hear about it, but you don't think its gonna happen to you. For some reason you think you will be immune and your experience will be somehow different. You know your supposed to appreciate every waking moment of your little miracles, but as you spoon another mouthful in, you cant help but remember when you had a brain AND had the opportunity to use it, for a time wen you were appreciated for more than providing 3 nutritious meals a day (most of the time) and keeping the floor vacuumed on a semi-regular basis.

And my partner thinks he's got it hard going out to work full time... I am ready to change places with him in a second!

If I have to pick up another toy or wash another dish or do another load of laundry or clean another bench I am gonna snap... not really but it feels like it somedays... and I'm beginning to do all sorts of stupid things and make all sorts of rookie mistakes, like showing up to work on the wrong day (maybe it was wishful thinking!) or the wrong library branch...

This is not me...

Please somebody get me out of this suburban hellhole...

Still waiting on the phone call about the job that could change things forever...