:-(

I feel I should write something, it will probably do me good and be cathartic and all that stuff.

So here goes;

I had an appointment on Thursday with my obstetrician, just routine. All seemed fine, I asked when we do that thing where we listen to the heartbeat, he said probably next month and have I been feeling movement every day, I said No not everyday. he put me up on the bed to have a listen, couldn't find anything, took me down to the childbirth centre to try the bigger monitor, still couldn't find anything, got me in for an ultrasound, when the operator said "I'm just going to get my supervisor coz I'm new and just learning." that's when I knew something was wrong.

No Heartbeat.

I was in shock, the doctor was even more shocked, you see I'd had an inkling something was wrong, but of course I pushed it to the back of my mind. I had said to my partner last week that I wasn't feeling much movement and he said not to worry and everything was fine etc. Ive also been completely paranoid about this whole pregnancy, but again, just tried not to think about that. I figured it was because this one was planned and Anouk wasn't.

I was checked into hospital that night, given tablets to induce labour and just had to wait. I was lucky to have a double room so my partner could stay with me the whole time.

It was tough, childbirth is tough, but knowing the outcome in this situation, kind of almost unbearable. Bring on the drugs I say, I could have anything I wanted!

I chose to see the baby afterwards, My partner didn't want to and I respect that. it was hard but I think it will help, they also gave me some photo's which really don't do him justice, and some hand and foot prints which are just precious.

The doctor, and me want a full post mortem done to try to find out what went wrong, but from seeing him it looks like he got his cord twisted up, that simple, just got a bit overactive one day and cut off his blood supply.


I am home now and attempting to move on, Everything has changed now. Some parts of my life seem clearer and some not. I am riding from one crazy emotion to the next, and have the physical stuff to deal with too. In fact I think that has been the hardest so far, I'm still waiting for the emotional stuff to really kick in, I mean, if you told me this, the whole pregnancy etc. was a dream, I would believe you.

Signing off now, There is more to say, but it has helped writing this down (over a couple of days mind you!) I know its going to be a hard road ahead, but I am taking care of myself and my partner and I are taking care of each other. He's been really good to me and I feel awful that I have been such a bitch to him lately. I hope this will bring us closer together. Anouk has been the best to have around. I don't think she has a lot of idea whats going/gone on. I am just so glad that this has happened on my second pregnancy. besides, you have to get out of bed when a toddler is relying on you.