Recent reads...

A book has to be pretty bad for me to not finish it, or really long and I put it down thinking I will get back to it but it sits there for a year or I write down the page number and take it back to the library and then lose the bit of paper and never re-borrow the book...

Bill Bryson's At Home is probably going to join that category. I don't want to, it's not a bad book. And I generally enjoy his writing. The thing is it's kind of interesting but very, very long. It's about the finer history of everyday mundane things, and quite frankly there is a reason things are mundane... um, because they are! And besides, I don't see what the history of mice and other vermin has to do with the study and and the history of architecture to do with cellars and I think he's clutching at straws at times... Think I'm gonna have to give it up.

I've already read one book in between, Russell Brand's My Booky Wook. It's kind of funny, and very repulsive and I really just feel very sorry for him and hope that he has managed to stay sober and drug free since because he was was not an appealing person when on them (he's that appealing now either!). Not that I've actually seen much of his "work", more just know him by reputation and coz he's engaged to a perky songstress (me thinks publicity stunt for the both of them, but, whatever!). There are a lot of uncomfortable moments in the book, events that were obviously quite scarring but he glosses over with humour which I found quite sad. And besides, its not all that well written either.

After another chapter and a half of At Home I started Eat, Pray, Love. (It's not looking good for Mr. Bryson is it!) I want to avoid overly popular books, especially ones that appeal to women of a certain age, but the fact is there usually a reason why they are so popular and I want to stay in front of the film for once so I can be all superior and say"well it wasn't as good as the book..." Ive only go a few pages in but I like it, I like her casual style of writing and I also love it when women can admit that they just don't want to have children because its such a high expectation of society, even these days of apparent endless choices for women it's still a hard thing for a lot of women to admit, and is often viewed with either suspicion or sympathy... believe me ladies, this is not something you want to do half heartedly just coz someone thinks you should... and I would love the freedom to be travelling through Italy, India and Bali right now... Bugger, I just get to do it in my head and think about all the things I'm missing out on!

One last thing...

OK so this is the last thing I will say on the matter as I have moved on and gotten over the disappointment... The disappointment about the job and the process involved that is, not the existential crisis the whole thing uncovered!!!)

I mean no disrespect, and I hope that I shall soon meet said woman and maybe even work with her and maybe even become her friend who knows. But I finally understand something about the whole generational divides in the workplace. I believe I might be first hand experiencing contentious issue of the Baby Boomers hanging around forever, not moving on, taking jobs that the good old generation Xer's are just not getting the chance to move into (until we're too old and the gen Y's just get them all handed to them like everything else apparently!).

As I was formulating these opinions in my, somewhat foggy brain of late, there was an article in one of the recent Incite magazines talking about the Baby Boomers and oh my god what are we going to do when they are all gone, blah blah blah. The article was talking about having to attract youngin's to the profession and starting at high school... hello, there are plenty of us young and no-longer-so-young (like me) people here already but it just feels like we are still not trusted!!! I mean I'm 35 years old not and feel like people still don't take me seriously!

My friend C reckons its more to do with the people getting the good, top jobs all being very VERY childless, and maybe that's got something to do with it too. And maybe that's a subconscious Baby Boomer woman trait too, even 30 years ago you either had kids or you didn't, and those women now are either still not sure we can combine the two as they either have no experience of it and are distrustful or bitter that they didn't get to start their careers until middle age and are going to hang onto it for dear life!!!

So anyways I'd like to remind you that the above opinions are totally off the cuff, un-researched, written out of bitterness and in the spirit of general ranting and likely to change tomorrow anyway!!!

Us poor gen Xers can be a bit of a negative lot! We've had a lot to deal with don't you know! We were the first generation brought up expected to live in a world better and have circumstances NOT than their parents grew up with. I also remember when I was at school in the time of the early 90's economic crisis. A time when trades and ACTUAL skills were deemed unimportant and "if you don't go to university you will never get a job" and "if you take a year off you will never go back to uni" and all that crap when probably the best thing I could ever have done would be to take a year off and work some crappy job that I ended up doing after uni anyway because I'd done some useless degree and just felt guilty about the amount of money it cost my parents when If I'd taken a year off I probably would have been able to get Austudy and anyway it wasn't until 10 years later that I figured out what I wanted to do anyways...

Alright so now I'm babbleing and getting all bitter and twisted and stuff so i'll be off! (but it is good to be blogging again!)

This blog aint goin' nowhere...

Seems like this blog, which was supposed to be a bit of fun, has turned into a confessional of sorts... Not really what the intention was. I really wanted to it be a bit of a scrapbook, a few funny stories from the past, fun things I'd read and seen, things on my mind, that type of thing. I wanted it to show a little bit of who I am and how I got here.

Thing is I don't know who that person is now, and I'm not sure where I'm going and I can't seem to let go of the person I thought I should have been 10, 15 even 20 years ago, I cant seem to accept that I've changed and things change and that's OK!

Hang on a minute, I'm doing it again, I'm getting all down and dreary...

Think I may have to take a break for a bit and get my head together and come back to this when I've got some head space and some idea of what I'm doing... sorry folks, back soon!

I'm OK folks...

I've had a few concerned readers of late... Folks, I am really OK!

I've been feeling down, and crazy, and upset, and rejected, and a bit sensitive and vulnerable but OK.

It's just that my head has been so full of fuzz for about the last 6 weeks or so and its only when I'm either really down or really happy I seem to write. I'm having a bit of an existential, whats it all mean, where do I fit in and what should I do crisis at the moment. I know where I want to end up, but there is a lot of work to be done to get there and as you well know plan A was foiled. I have faith in the universe that it will happen eventually, and it will happen when its meant to but unfortunately I am very impatient and always chasing the next thing without concentrating on the here and now.

Plan B...

OK, seems its time to make a plan B...

I had figured out it was coming, the rejection letter that is, but no news being good news allowed me to keep that faint glimmer alive just that little bit. But it came yesterday. And it hurt.

I know it was wrong to pin my hopes on one thing, and to get myself so excited by something so out of my control. The realists in my life kept reminding me of that. And I tried so hard to not think about. And I guess the mental state that this situation got me into is maybe indication that it this job wouldn't have been a good idea. It would probably have been too much pressure. If the application process proved too much for my sometimes fragile emotional state to cope with what would the actual job do to me once I got in there and realised my expectations and reality were not on the same wavelength. I just really thought I was in with a chance there is all. The fact that I am qualified, experienced, full of ideas and have a solid connection to the area. I really thought I had everything they would be looking for.

But to not even get an interview is a pretty big slap in the face if you ask me!

And of course I had told everyone about it too!

I know that it cant have been anything personal if they haven't even met me! But that doesn't help me to not feel even a little bit rejected.

Fact is that work is about the only thing I am feeling any kind of confidence with at the moment. Its only place I feel like I am in control and I know what I'm doing.

I am feeling a little de ja vu here, same thing happened about 7 years ago. A company I'd already worked for, same role that I'd held overseas for said company, figured it was a given, but hey, at least I didn't have to wait four weeks with that one, I got the letter the day after the interview! It sure knocked my confidence for six, but then in the proceeding weeks I got 4 job offers out of 5 interviewed for, and ended up with a job so much better for me.

So I'm OK and at least I know where I stand now, it was the waiting I couldn't handle.

And if my past is any indication, something will come up soon and within 3-6 months I will have already moved a few rungs up the ladder!

To move my family back to the country and a more communal upbringing is what I so desperately want to do right now and I thought this was going to be it, so plan B awaits... stay tuned!

Bored...

I have no shame in saying I am frickin' bored with my life...

As I spoon another mouthful into my child's mouth, I contemplate the tedium and isolation of the parent with young children... You hear about it, but you don't think its gonna happen to you. For some reason you think you will be immune and your experience will be somehow different. You know your supposed to appreciate every waking moment of your little miracles, but as you spoon another mouthful in, you cant help but remember when you had a brain AND had the opportunity to use it, for a time wen you were appreciated for more than providing 3 nutritious meals a day (most of the time) and keeping the floor vacuumed on a semi-regular basis.

And my partner thinks he's got it hard going out to work full time... I am ready to change places with him in a second!

If I have to pick up another toy or wash another dish or do another load of laundry or clean another bench I am gonna snap... not really but it feels like it somedays... and I'm beginning to do all sorts of stupid things and make all sorts of rookie mistakes, like showing up to work on the wrong day (maybe it was wishful thinking!) or the wrong library branch...

This is not me...

Please somebody get me out of this suburban hellhole...

Still waiting on the phone call about the job that could change things forever...

All consuming...

I've been a bit lax on the personal blog posts of late...
I've not been able to concentrate on much really, there is something going on, something potentially life changing, something I've been wanting for a long time and it's just consuming my brain...
It involves a lot of waiting, waiting, waiting...
And that's something I'm not really all that good at...
I feel like I'm not in control of the situation and I find that hard to deal with...
Waiting waiting waiting, trying not to think about it make me think about it more...
I'm sending myself crazy and making myself physically sick...
Having to stop myself from making plans about anything that could be effected by it, because if it happens there will be so many plan to make...
But I have to shield myself as well, from possible disappointment, from getting my hopes up, from getting over confident, I've done that before and it was crushing...
And then there's all those other toxic thoughts that seep in too... "what if they didn't get it", "what if they have already picked someone", "what if I'm not good enough", "what if I stuff it all up", "And what if they didn't get it... again"...
I don't like uncertainty...
I can't handle waiting...

I love books about books...

So you can imagine my excitement on finding a book about making books!

Eco Books is full of totally cute crafty projects, among my favourites are ones made from old baggage tags, old floppy discs and cassettes... and of course old library cards!!!

Totally cute... but of course I know deep down inside I will never get around to making any of them!!!

Books Books Books (x3)

I'm about a 3rd of the way through Judith levines Not Buying it, her documentation of a social experiement where her and her husband bought only necessary, simple groceries and essentials (The rules are a little fluid and haircuts and newspapers are allowed). Not as easy as it sounds with such consumer pressure put upon us everyday, and basically, so much crap considered essential in our everyday lives! I love the line about the guy who went to buy a book about de-cluttering and came away with three!

The Not buying it book was kind of in direct contrast with another book I recently read, Susana S.'s Confessions of a city girl. Which takes an insiders look at London's high pressure, money hungry financial markets, no place for a girl... apparently, until Susana came along that is!

In between I read Juliana Hatfields Autobiographical When I grow up. She seems like a really sweet girl with a lot of deamons to air. It's alternating chapters, between documenting the tour she was on with her band at the time Some Girls and detailing past adventures kept the flow moving and stopped the book from getting stale or too bogged down in any one theme. Funny though, while reading this I realise I only actually know two songs that she's done, and one of those was a cover!

You know what...

I could almost be tempted to read a Mills & Boon!

out of me

I've had Out of me sitting beside my bed for way too many library renewals, I'm not sure if I was avoiding reading it as it might be a little too close to home, but I'm so glad I finally picked it up. Fiona Shaw suffered chronic Post-Natal Depression after the birth of her second child, was hospitalised, had ECT, self-harmed, starved herself but what has come out of it is not only a beautifully well written memoir but also an exploration of autobiographical writing itself.



Now I would never deem to compare myself here, and I don't think I suffered anything more than the mildest of 'Baby blues' but as I have talked about here before, I am still coming to terms with the identity shift that having children brings about. Why only yesterday when I had a rare child-free, work-free day I took myself into the city and for a wander in Fitzroy to remember all that I was missing from my former life, and you know what, yep you guessed it, I'm not actually missing all that much! Apart from the friend I met up with who I hadn't seen in ages, I didn't really want to be there anymore. Typical!



Anyway, back to Ms. Shaw's book. There is one quote that really stood out for me to help explain what I've been feeling; "I, too, was frightened of being left alone in the house with my children. Not because of what I might do to them, or them to me, but because then I could not escape from the knowledge that this was my life now, and there was no getting away from it." (Pg. 187) And I think the thing about this book is it was just so well written, I've read so much lately that is just so badly written, or badly edited and full of mistakes (and it must be bad for the worst of spellers and grammatically
incompetent of petople, i.e. me, to pick up on!)

Best things about the Runaways movie...

• The first shot of the movie is of Menstrual Blood.


• The costumes are Hot Hot HOT!


• KS does an ace job of Joan Jett, I was worried I would be sitting there thinking I am watching the chick from Twilight but it didn't cross my mind once!


• Dakota is equally hot and soooo totally the right choice to really hit home how young Cherie Currie was when wearing that Cherry bomb outfit!


• Dakota and Kristian get it on!!!


• They do such a great job of the singing that they could splice in the real Runaways songs when it used as background music without any disjointedness.


• The colouring of the film totally matches the mid 70's.


• The Cinematography is beautiful


• I got to see it for free!!! (3 weeks ago - just slow on the posting!!!)

Cupcakes a Ga Ga...

Two Funny things that came my way yesterday...

This Blog post on NPR (America's National Public Radio's Monkey See) about how library might be the new cupcakes... I like the bit about libraries get in fights, and libraries give you stuff for free!

And mentioned in this article but came my way via a totally different medium is this clip of the Washington Information Studies Students and Faculty going GaGa!

Zine, Zine, you know what I mean...

We've just got a whole bunch of Zines in the library, trying to be all cool and hip and funky and 'engage' with the teenagers and all that! Ahhh its taking me back to the mid-to-late nineties when DIY publishing involved cut-and-paste and a photocopy card.

I always meant to start my own Zine, just like I'd always meant to start a blog way back when...

And I thought I'd start a revolution...

I just never got around to it!

Yay you Zinesters who actually did it!!!

Wanna know what shits me off more than anything else in the world...

People who steal from the library, I mean, you don't need to steal it...

We let you take it for free!!!!

Super dooper mega whatsit plastic shit bonanzer!!!

I read a lot about the sexualisation of young girls, and lucky (hopefully!) I'm still a couple of years away from that one. But whats really bothering me at the moment, though I guess I've always known it to be there is just the blatant consumerism involved with children, it just seems to be getting so much worse, or maybe I'm noticing it more now.

Case in point 1. A friend of mine posted on her facebook profile something about going around 7 different toy stores trying to find this particular doll that her daughter absolutely HAD to have... This horrified me because her daughter is only a couple of months older than Little Miss, but the thing is that Little Miss wouldn't have a clue what dolls were out there and probably couldn't care less anyways... Now either I've got a frickin' child genius on my hands that knows not to get sucked into this consumer crap (well it's a possibility!)But where the hell do these kids that young find out about them...Too much commercial TV? Too many trips to the toy store? Too many parents instead of saying "Oh yeah she's nice" when looking at the ad/toy catalogue/whatever actively encouraging their kid to want want want... and then having to run around to however many frickin' stores trying to find it.

Case in point 2. My local Target store (I'm sure not just MY local target store!) was opening at One past Midnight for their Mega Fabbo Whatsit Super Dooper Toy Sale the other day... And I bet there were many many parents waiting at 30 seconds to One past midnight waiting for the doors to open... I worked in a Toy store for a while a few years back and I have to tell you, kids are fine, its the parents I cant stand!!! And I tell you what, the experience scared me for life! (but I did love the little kids who came in and counted out their money box coins to buy their carefully selected once a whenever treat! Better than the ones who would say 'just put it on your card mum'!!!) Anyways so I got a bit suckered in and thought maybe to be a good parent I should be taking a look and buying it all now so I can put it all away in the cupboard to forget about so as to buy more in December and get tricked into buying twice as much... So I took a look at the however many many MANY page catalogue of everything my 3 year old needs to feel complete in life and I have to tell you it was all CRAP! I mean Frickin' Masterchef have even got on board with their own line of Frickin' plastic pretend kitchen crap now... Whats wrong with making your kids use their imagination and play with the pots and pans already on hand in the REAL kitchen... Little Miss loves to pretend to do the dishes, well honey that don't need no pretend sink coz we've got a real one! Complete with bubbles too courtesy of the dish washing liquid!

Here's a novel idea folks, say 'NO!' When I take Little Miss to the supermarket and she says 'Look mum, Dora' I just say 'oh yeah isn't that nice' or 'It sure is' or whatever and just keep walking. So anyways, this ranting does have a point. (And more than just a smug point about how much of a superior being I am by depriving my kid which will of course bite me on the arse later!) All this consumer crap comes from the parents, not the kids, but your bringing your kids up to buy into it and measure all that plastic shit to your self worth... just say 'No' and give them a stick and a piece of string to play with!!!

Well that will teach me for procrastinating...

So I had this post planned based around an article I had seen that one of my facebook 'friends' had made some comment about and so I have been spending the last 1/2 hour trawling through vague acquittance's frickin' Farmville/Frontierville/ whatthefuckeverville crap trying to remember who had put in on there and how long ago and now I've got myself all mad and ranty about fricken' Farmville/Frontierville/ whatthefuckeverville crap... I mean the amount of fucking time you spend on that shit you could have planted a real veggie garden complete with chooks and everything!!!

Anyways, so I was supposed to be getting all mad and ranty about this article where someone had written in asking what people with little kids actually do all day and why, when they have a full time job etc. still manage to answer phone calls/emails etc. yet their friends with kids who are just home all day never seem so be able too, and is it just an excuse for laziness blah blah blah...

What these type of people don't seem to realise is the sheer amount of emotional energy that is expended with little tackers in your midst... that and that anytime you pick up the phone/turn on your computer they are nagging you to play on it themselves that sometimes its just not worth the effort... Frankly, I don't know where a lot of my day goes, but it ain't no excuse for being lazy that's for sure. The amount of people who have had kids since Ive had mine who have then apologised to me saying they never realised how hard it was and if they'd have known they would have brought over more casseroles!!! And that's the thing, you never do know until you experience it, no matter how many times people might tell you...

And then you go and think it will be easier the second time around because you've already done it once... Yeah fucking right!

blah blah blah...

So much of my relationship with the boy has been me fighting against it and then me having to eat my words...

First off I thought I was this super independent "don't give me any of that 'when can you fit me into your busy schedule' crap." Then I went off overseas for four months a year into our relationship, and then we moved in together and I was all insistent that everything be split 50/50 even though I was studying that year and had a lot less money coming in and managed to get myself into some major credit card debt over my stupid pigheadedness and then I got pregnant and had a baby which totally shifted all dynamics from which I only now feel like I'm getting a balance on again... What is it about little people coming into your life that make those gender stereotypes you've spent your whole life fighting against come out so strong and your at such a vulnerable point that you let other take advantage of that! And now I'm feeling all depressed that I just found out an ex proposed to his girlfriend and the boy will probably never propose to me because I've said too many times that I don't want to get married and what would I want to go and do a stupid thing like that for and marriage is an institution and I don't want to be institutionalised and blah blah blah... I don't even know If I believe in it or think it should really matter... I guess I'm just feeling a little insecure, which of course if you had've asked me back then would be the only reason anyone would want to get married, but there is this little part of me that would sort of like to have the same last name as my kids, even though I've always said if I got married I wouldn't be changing my name and blah blah blah... Or maybe I'm just getting soft in my old age!

Stupid ex-boyfriends... lucky your the one I got over my hatred of long ago or I would have been really pissed off!

Congratulations by the way!

Future Radio...

The ABC radio book show had an article on Future of Libraries and Librarians the other day... Lots of talk of Stereotypical Librarians!