D is for...

Depression.

Last night I finished reading Madness: a bipolar life by Marya Hornbacher (who is the author of Wasted about her struggle with Anorexia and Bulimia) Yes I do tend to have a fascination with this topic. Some of it is a little Schadenfreude, Reading about people in worse condition than me, but mostly its that I can relate. When I read Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation it changed my life, I finally found someone describing the feelings that I had been coping with for years, I finally found a name for what was going on. (I had a similar experience when I read Fiona Horne's Witch, but that's a completely other post!)

I have had several what I call 'Meltdowns' but what I now understand to be depressive episodes. All of which concur with major events in my life that really make it understandable. (i.e. when I first started uni and was in an emotionally abusive relationship, when I was in a really bad living situation, travelling alone in a very strange country, after the death of my friend and grandfather and during a 'break up' with a very close friend.)

The first time it happened I was 15, I had spent three weeks in hospital with a broken pelvis and started a new school while still on crutches. I was so scared and I did not know what was happening to me. Everything was just too overwhelming, I could not stop crying, My mum would force me to school each morning, and I would call her before an hour was up to come and get me. I thought at the time it was really cruel her forcing me to school but I think now it was probably a good strategy. This was 18 years ago, before depression and mental illness where widely discussed. I was angry at my mother for not recognising what was going on, for not taking me to the doctor. But I also think back now and realise she was probably shit scared. She had watched my father go through two nervous breakdowns when he was in his 20's.

I have been a lot better in recent years, I was very concerned about post-natal depression after I had Anouk also after recent events in my life, but I think a hyper-awareness of the warning signs and treatment seeked I have been able to control things. The other thing that has helped recently is the fact that I have this little person that depends upon me, even when I feel like just spending the day in bed, I cant!

It might or might not be a coincidence that this post co-insides with New Years Eve. There is something I find depressing about NYE. I always seem to become very emotional and I could not tell you why. Lets see how tonight goes... Happy New Year!